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Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it\'s fantastic.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one\'s work is terribly important.
Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.
Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
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Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
I never forget a face, but in your case I\'ll be glad to make an exception.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Those are my principles. If you don\'t like them I have others.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they\'re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.
Computer dating is fine, if you\'re a computer.
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If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
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C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.
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You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She\'s 97 today and we don\'t know where she is!
If it wasn\'t for C, we\'d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
There\'s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it\'s the exact opposite.
It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.
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To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that\'s ok because you\'ll be a mile away from him and you\'ll have his shoes.
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
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The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Premature optimization is the root of all evil.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: \'Can I help, sir?\' \'No thanks,\' says the blind bloke. \'Just looking.\'
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
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My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It\'s about Russia.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
Jesus may love you, but I think you\'re garbage wrapped in skin.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.
War doesn\'t make boys men, it makes men dead.
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, \'Don\'t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?\' I said \'I didn\'t know there were any witnesses. Now I\'ll have to kill you too\'.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Don\'t drive me crazy -- it\'s within walking distance.
A man can\'t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Anyone who starts a sentence, \'With all due respect ...\' is about to insult you.
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It\'s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I\'m not there, I go to work.
Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven\'t said enough.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend. Inside of a dog, it\'s too dark to read.
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?
Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
I\'m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can\'t understand is, if they don\'t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
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Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?
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Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
After every \'victory\' you have more enemies.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
Louis Pasteur\'s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.
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My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
If quantum physics doesn\'t confuse you then you don\'t understand it.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
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I don\'t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Don\'t knock masturbation, it\'s sex with someone I love .
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it\'s the exact opposite.
Many a man\'s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.
Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don\'t need.
Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
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I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It\'s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.
If you haven\'t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
I\'ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn\'t it.
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University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
I\'m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.
The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.
I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.
There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.
Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you\'re gonna get.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
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O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.
Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
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Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
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I\'m not a member of any organized political party, I\'m a Democrat!
Maybe this world is another planet\'s Hell.
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives
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That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
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We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
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Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI?!
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
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I\'d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Minsky\'s Second Law: Don\'t just do something. Stand there.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That\'s where we come in; we\'re computer professionals. We cause accidents.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.
When I die I\'m going to leave my body to science fiction.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you\'ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn\'t your biggest problem.
In America, anybody can be president. That\'s one of the risks you take.
Everything that can be invented has been invented.
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Hofstadter\'s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter\'s Law.
The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.
Research is what I\'m doing when I don\'t know what I\'m doing.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.
Fill what\'s empty, empty what\'s full, and scratch where it itches.
Heav\'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn\'d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn\'d.
Always go to other people\'s funerals, otherwise they won\'t come to yours.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Why don\'t you write books people can read?
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you\'re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.
There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.
Outside of a dog, a book is man\'s best friend. Inside of a dog, it\'s too dark to read.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.
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They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
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What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
If all the world\'s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
If it weren\'t for electricity we\'d all be watching television by candlelight.
\'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible\', she said, \'but that alone doesn\'t make it true.\'
Throughout American history, the government has said we\'re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It\'s a hoax.
I\'m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It\'s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren\'t, then I\'d be a teacher.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.
The nice thing about egotists is that they don\'t talk about other people.
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
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Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track
The truth is more important than the facts.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.
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Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.
As the post said, \'Only God can make a tree,\' probably because it\'s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
They laughed when I said I\'d be a comedian. They aren\'t laughing now.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
I think \'Hail to the Chief\' has a nice ring to it.
I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10,000 ways that won\'t work.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.
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I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
It\'s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that\'s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that\'s how dogs spend their lives.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.
When you\'ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.
No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.
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The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, \'Why god? Why me?\' and the thundering voice of God answered, \'There\'s just something about you that pisses me off.\'
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
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